DESIREESAYS

""Raise you filthy palms up, like tiny daggers up to heaven.

The trend has become rather obvious.

A new post symbolizes my urge to express a truck worth of feelings bottled up.

"Lies and deception are a part of life. You learn from them, move on and grow stronger."

So where do I begin?

Since I'm supposed to reflect, here it is!

"WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

That's an interesting question.

I have not the slightest idea what is wrong with me.

Being who I am, I would have fixed it or be working on it if i was aware.

"WHY GOT MESSAGE OTHER GUYS IS IT?"

That's an obvious question.

Of course I do!

I have male friends.

As a matter of fact, majority of my poly friends are male.

I do believe there's only 2 females I'm constantly around.

One is really busy and the other is really bad at replying messages.

So if i need something, I message other guys and that's it.

""CAN YOU STOP CLUBBING?"

If you haven't realized, I have.

Doesn't mean it's wrong to want to once in a while.

If you need to be with me in order for me to club, then you should come.

If you say no because you're unavailable, I understand.

But if it's no because it's not your crowd, then I don't understand.

I am trying to reach out. I always try to reach out.

But sarcasm and silent treatment gets you nowhere.

If it makes you feel any better,

The silent treatment kills me inside.

 And I'm dead serious about it.

The longer you keep it up, the worse I'm going to get.

If that's what you're aiming for, then by all means, go ahead.

I am done trying to make things better because it feels like I'm talking to a wall.

You're sad/hurt/disappointed, I get it.

But you're not the only one.

 

 

DESIREESAYS

"And now I'm calling, calling out your name."

Been sick the past week.

Had a hell of a shocker early this morning.

Nevertheless, everything is great!

Ever just closed your eyes, took a deep breath and felt just perfect?

No pictures in your head.

No thoughts.

No songs.

Nothing.

Yeah. That's exactly what I need to do.

My birthday is in a couple of days.

As usual, I dread the day.

I've never liked the idea of celebrating my birthday.

I'd rather just spend it alone.

Reflect on the past year and embrace the good memories.

I don't like receiving gifts either.

I don't like cake.

I think the sweetest thing is a card.

One that takes some time and effort with a meaningful end to it :)

Well, I don't know why.

But I feel like this song is exactly how I feel.

DESIREESAYS

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart"

It's 10 days till my 20th birthday.

10 days till I'm neither a teenager nor a full-pledged adult.

10 days till I've lived 2 decades.

My ideal marriage age is 24.

As ridiculous and as unrealistic as it may seem, I would still like to settle down at 24.

Imagine just 4 year for now, I'd get to live every girl's biggest dream.

To put on a gorgeous dress, walk down an isle, have a day where all the attention is on you.

Best of all, it's the day you look your best and feel your best.

Of course that's all in my head.

Who knows right?

I may be one of the few who'd never get to live the dream.

Conversations with the clique about our future make it so much more unbearable.

For some reason, whenever we discuss our future, it's always about family.

Never about your car.

Or even about your studies.

Or a job for that matter.

It's always about our wedding day, and our children and our friendship.

Kinda heart-warming.

I like it, I really do.

I think I'd love for it to be the way we picture it to be.

Anyways,

I'm sitting in bed.

Head started throbbing.

Stomach is still on a roller-coaster ride.

Contemplating if I should visit a doctor again tomorrow.

Then of course I have work tomorrow as well.

Looks like a pretty horrible week.

Weekends please come quickly.

DESIREESAYS

"A cold heart kills"

Vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right
I swear I'm right, swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore, you saw yourself

There's a thousand songs I could name to express how I feel now.

I'd kill to listen to them.

But I know if I do, it's going to be a sleepless night.

Followed by an unpleasant week.

Or maybe an emotional one; One i'm neither ready nor willing to face now.

Strangle me.

Somebody.

Come to think about it, when was the last time I felt this way?

A huge fluffy ball of emotions.

Frustration, fear, joy, relieve, anxious, calm.

Must seem impossible, but pinky promise, it's all there.

I'm definitely not the easiest person to deal with.

Yes, I like to mess with people.

Yes, I'm indecisive and play by mood.

Yes, I change my mind because I am forgetful.

Figured by now you'd be familiar with it.

And be a little more understanding that this is how I am.

I didn't get a say on how I wanted to be born.

It just happened.

Figured it's the perfect time to share my thoughts on relationships.

After years of observation and some experience.

Just some must haves/ dos and stuff like that.

ONE

Be sure you've got a strong,supportive group of girlfriends at you corner.

Because when you're at your lowest, that's the best thing you could ask for.

TWO

Being loving isn't key, being trusting is.

Because if you stop loving, then it's just not meant to be.

But if you lack trust, then you're not even giving it a chance.

THREE

Quality over quantity.

Better spend short good times together rather than long unproductive times.

Sometimes, more time together is unhealthy.

That's it for today.

Actually starting to feel so much better now.

Michelle whatsapped me.

Guess she figured something was out of place.

"Go have a fag."

Perfect.

That may just be what I need.

With that,

GOODNIGHT

May you have a better week that I probably will.

DESIREESAYS

"Overload."

Last week was supposedly a long holiday.

Half day of work on Wednesday.

Then it was a break all the way till Sunday.

Nothing much happened actually.

I've got to admit, it was a dull holiday.

I'm feeling the pressure this week.

From what, I'm practically clueless.

Head is aching.

It feels like I haven't slept in days.

And like I've been lifting weights way too heavy cause my body is just sore.

My heart feels heavy too.

I need a vacation. 

A nice long one please.

Somewhere sunny and windy.

Goodnight.

I'm way too exhausted to continue.